Helping Children Process a Tragedy

And you too. . .

Many years ago I compiled the following steps to helping children process tragic events following a school shooting that I can’t even recall anymore. The shooting in Uvalde, TX on Tuesday hit close to home, I grew up only 80-miles from there. When I see the families on the news I see my own family. When I see the children’s pictures I see the kids that used to sit across from me in 2nd and 3rd grade. I see myself.

These steps aren’t just for acts of violence, they work for any tragedy, man-made or not.

Here are the steps that I’ve posted before, slightly edited

Step One: Ask Questions More Than Tell

Rather than just sitting down and telling your child what occurred, probe for what they already know or have heard about the situation. For younger children (10 and under), limit TV/Internet/Social Media contact with news reports that are showing wall-to-wall coverage of the tragedy or disaster, especially if they are repeating footage of the event.

Example Response: You know that school shooting in Uvalde that happened this week? What have you heard about it?

Respond consistently, factually, and matter-of-factly, at an age appropriate level to any questions they have. If you do not know specific details of the event respond honestly, and assure that the appropriate people are still looking into things and trying to understand. Also assure that you will follow up with them at a later time when more is known.

Step Two: Share your own internal experience openly and gently.

Sharing what your own thoughts and feelings were when you heard about the situation, and now, are important to model emotional vocabulary for your children.

Example Response: When I saw it on the news, I noticed that I felt X, Y, Z. What do you notice about how you're feeling?

Step Three: Share what you tend to do in response to your own inner experience. Then share a workable strategy that you've used.

Let your child know that when you experience certain thoughts/feelings/sensations/memories/etc. you do or have done things in response to them (sort of like an automatic response). Sometimes those things haven't been so workable, and sometimes they have been. Share something you tend to do that has been less workable and then something you've done to help you "unhook".

Example Response: When I feel X, Y, Z, I sometimes catch myself doing [Automatic & or unworkable behavior]. Then I remember to/that/how [Workable strategy].

The workable and unworkable strategies will be unique to you and your family. Here's one of mine: When I am feeling sad, I sometimes catch myself withdrawing and not talking to the people that are important to me. Then I remember how I often feel much better when I do end up talking to the people I care about.

Step Four: Brainstorm Values Based Actions Together

Work together with your child and brainstorm some things that you can do in this moment, and down the road, that are action oriented, and helpful.

Example Response: I wonder if there is something we can do that would be helpful, even though we are way over here. What would be the most important thing to do right now that you can think of?

(Break down ways of helping into categories, and then into small actionable items. Educating others, Volunteering, Increasing understanding about a group or culture, Listening to others, Helping a friend, Raising money, are some examples of categories that might be useful.)

Step Five: Once Engaged in an Activity Process Feelings Through Questions

Once you and your child have brainstormed together and come up with a plan (which could be something as simple as writing cards to send to grieving families), inquire about how they are feeling in the current moment. Then, listen more than responding.

Example Response: What thoughts or feelings do you notice showing up right now?

Your questions should be coming from a place of genuine curiosity and gentleness.

Step Six: At the end of the day, or at a certain point in time, process the experience via laying it out in story form.

Creating stories is a powerful way of processing experience, this is vital for younger children.

Example Response: This morning/earlier this week there was a school shooting, and you noticed that you were feeling X, Y, Z, then we talked about how scared the kids must have been, and how sad the families are now, and we thought about what would be important for us to do. Together, we came up with [VALUES BASED ACTIONS], and we noticed what thoughts and feelings showed up then. Now we are here [SAFE IN BED, ETC.], what do you notice now?

The aim here is to lay out the sequence of events in order, ending with the current moment. This storytelling process cements the journey of experience, and will be easily recalled next time there is a tragedy. “Remember when the school shooting happened three months ago? We did something back then, do you remember what we did together?”

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In addition to these steps you can also use the matrix, especially if you child is familiar with it by asking them to sort their experience into the diagram. At each step of the process above you can redirect them to where they might put their experience, helping them strengthen their noticing and functional sorting ability.

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In other news, my friend Jennifer S. Payne, PhD, LCSW hosts a monthly discussion group called “Culturally 'Rapped'” about how we can culturally tailor ACT to different groups and environments. It's the last Friday of every month (today).

I am filling in for her today and hosting the first half of the meeting where I'll be discussing the process of intentionally evolving systems of change like the ACT Matrix or the Choice Point.

The meeting is at 4pm Central Time

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86193945380?pwd=ZEs3c3JMNVd4QkpJTFRNM0dQcEhhUT09

Meeting ID: 861 9394 5380

Passcode: 399399

Los Angeles, USA Fri, May 27, 2022 at 2:00 pm PDT

Kenosha, USA Fri, May 27, 2022 at 4:00 pm CDT

Lima, Peru Fri, May 27, 2022 at 4:00 pm PET

New York, USA Fri, May 27, 2022 at 5:00 pm EDT

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Berlin, Germany Fri, May 27, 2022 at 11:00 pm CEST

Japan Standard Time, JST Sat, May 28, 2022 at 6:00 am JST

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Corresponding UTC Fri, May 27, 2022 at 21:00

Respectfully Submitted,

Jacob Martinez // Through the ACT Matrix